By: Petronius and Xavier
WASHINGTON–“Israel is totally as much of a global threat as Iran,” said the smartest guy in a Washington, DC coffee shop on Thursday, “I mean, I don’t know who Netanyahu thinks he is.”
Due to his trendy and original stance on Prime Minister Netanyahu’s speech to Congress, this guy was obviously the most intelligent person in the entire room.
“Dude, you’re way off about Israel,” he said to another guy from his Indigenous Tribal Economics Basket Weaving class, “Israel funds regional terrorist groups and issues existential threats against the nation of Iran all the time. Iran is likewise surrounded by hostile regimes from whom simultaneous invasions have originated in the past. Israel was the aggressor in the Yom Kippur war, right?
“Besides, it’s not like we have any moral obligations to support the nations we helped create in the wake of the last massive attempt to eradicate the nation of Israel from the globe,” he said, taking a slow, cautious sip of his fair trade, organic half-caffeinated soy latte.
“I mean, so what if the Ayatollah has openly advocated for the nuclear destruction of a once-close US ally? Stop being so closed-minded.”
As his basis of his position, the Smartest Guy in the Room responded, “I follow this really sick twitter account called ‘therichkidsoftehran’ and they pretty much keep me up-to-date on the whole issue.”
“Netanyahu needs to stop bitterly clinging to his guns and religion,” he answered when asked how else a primarily Jewish state would protect its citizens in such a hostile area.
“I’m not sure what he actually said in the speech, or how the Israeli government actually works, but there’s got to be a better way than just heckling the United States to ‘be strong and resolute.’”
When asked about Iran’s poor diplomatic track record by someone else at his table, the Smartest Guy in the Room enlightened his compatriots, “Okay, so Iran hasn’t responded adequately to peaceful diplomatic attempts for a couple of decades, it’s not like Isreal has come to successive peace agreements several times since 1949 or anything.”
When informed that Israel had, in fact, come to peace talks 15 times with Palestine alone since that time, he responded, “Dude, what? No way!”
The guy, who declined to be identified, is a 5th year student at a university in the District of Columbia who is “still trying to figure out the whole ‘declaring a major thing.’”
The American Scrivener 